Eidelweiss thinks this makes me weird. (At least I don't make lampshades out of baby skins).
(Should I die
So, this is how I would like my funeral to proceed:
There will be: A ferris wheel, face-painting, a bouncy castle, a sushi bar, Italian baristas, George Clooney (my God, he's single again...I may just holiday on Lake Como this year....), naked wrestling in chocolate mudcake, a fountain of any New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc and me in a coffin in the likeness of Barbie.
For music I think a Mexican with a big sombrero and a ukelele (?) and a stout Italian man with a handlebar moustache and a piano accordian. There must be much dancing in circles.
Guests will dress in floral kaftans (the women can wear togas). Marshmallows shall be toasted over a
Of course, being a realist, I know that something will go wrong. Hopefully it won't be my putrifying corpse busting the hinges off Barbie. No I think it will be something all the more....gossip-worthy. Oh, I know!!!
The birds are singing, the sun is shining and Aunty Helen is bouncing on the rubber castle....all are enjoying the flabulicious funeral......until....
During the eulogy - given by George Clooney who is heartbroken that
The driver of said van struggles with a large cardboard box punctured with multiple holes.
"Parcel for Mr Humphrey from Mr H Hefner?" puffs the van driver swaggering with his clipboard toward the bazillions of eye-dabbing mourners.
"You're a day EARLY," hisses Humphrey.
And that, dear friends, was how Humphrey's friends, and my own, were introduced Candy - his new bride. I say "new" because" this 20-year-old model had been discarded by Hugh. Candy had been superceded by the 16-year-old Lola version that the octogenarian had just moved into his Mansion. Candy was found in the bargain bin of the online catalogue.
Ok. So I may have been pushing the boundaries with the whole bouncy castle thing. It is more than likely that my funeral - with no intervention from my Blog Buddies - will end up like this:
Humphrey, a man of simple tastes and understated elegance (emphasis on understated), would probably prefer me to be wrapped in a linen shroud and buried under a bluebush. The bush would be adjacent to the homestead orange tree because we all know how orange trees love a corpse (don't ask - it's a whole other post). Whilst understated elegance is an admirable attribute, Humphrey would actually be more concerned about the understated impact a shroud-in-hole funeral would have on his malnourished wallet. Floral arrangements will be supplied by Nature....in the form of naturally occuring bluebush, saltbush, mulga and cabbage trees, carelessly arranged as God intended. This understatedly elegant affair would likely be BYO (beer and snags), oh and don't forget a cushion because the lid of your esky may get a bit hard to sit on during the service.
The most moving tribute will be the handing-out, post interrment, of hot pink fly swats, the heads of which would be embossed with my smiling face (ala Alessi's Dr Skud). Perhaps a fitting reminder (to Humphrey) of his dearly departed
Then the Fed Ex van will arrive....