Received an email from a reader today who has found himself in a slight pickle. His conundrum is quite common and touches on the all-too-common fragility of the human ego.
Whilst I am no expert, or agony aunt, I can't resist offering a hand (particularly to a faithful reader).
His letter, paraphrased with his permission, was along these lines:
Dear Charlotte
I desperately want to right a wrong but all my attempts have been ignored. I'm in a pretty bad place right now because I hate to think this person dislikes me so intensely that they have completely cut me out of their life....even cyberlife. I just feel crappy and need some help accepting that our relationship is over.
Thanks in anticipation.
Toto
Achh nothing like a meaty crisis to get me salivating.
Here's the response:
Dear Toto,
It's an interesting question actually.
I too have had a similar experience. Though in my case the person concerned is a pathologically narcissistic, antagonistic and vitriolic turd with no insight into his/her own shortcomings. However, we are not here to discuss oxygen-wastage.
It is a pathetic human trait that we all want to be liked....NEED to feel liked. Unfortunately for most of us a degree of our self-esteem is determined by postive reflections of ourselves from other people. If we detect an unpleasant reflection we get all paranoid and suddenly we feel like our friends never call us any more (when in fact they're calling you just as frequently as usual).
I have no idea about whom you speak or the circumstances surrounding your falling-out.
It might help to first ask yourself WHY you want to contact this person. Is it REALLY because you want THAT person to feel better, or is it about YOU feeling better? Are you wracked with guilt? Is it because perhaps you really can't accept the notion that someone doesn't like you?
Perhaps this person doesn't want to go picking scabs off of emotional wounds. They may have moved on.
On the other hand he/she may be a complete prick and if that's the case do you really want a reunion? Do you care what a toe-rag thinks of you?
You're no orphan you know. Sometimes people just don't like us and don't require a reason for it. Maybe they met you when they were premenstral. Perhaps they misinterpreted something you said and threw themselves into a huffy over it. Perhaps you looked at their cat the wrong way. Who knows, people are just weird. One thing you can be sure of though is the fact that this person's flagrant display of ignorance reflects badly on them, not you. (Unless of course you slept their their husband/wife, in which case I'm not talking to you any more either).
Belle told me a great method she has of removing toxic people from her life.
She said: "Picture the person stuck in a huge bubble. You can't hear their ranting and raving or banging to get out. Now smile and gently blow on the bubble till is starts to float away. Up, up, up goes the bubble, into the stratosphere, into space and, hopefully, right into a black hole."
Works for me.
XXXX
*Disclaimer: Advice in the column is of a general, completely unqualified and some would say spurious nature and does not replace the recommended individual advice supplied by licensed practitioners.
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