Cause Celebre

Barbara Walters speaks with SpoiledCharlotte
Transcript of interview, aired on Foxtel, 7.30pm  3/2/11

Your blog has been described as "crystal meth for the modern housewife",  where do you glean your inspiration?
That's an interesting question. I truly believe it is a gift.  Often inspiration comes to me when I'm watching the ShamWow ad.

You do have some followers - what would you like to say to all your readers?
It's my turn for the chicken skin.

It sounds like you have quite a close relationship with your readers?
Yeah my sisters and I are quite close.  Mum reads it too.

What do you think would attract more readers?
Well I'm thinking of doing a promotion where the 10th person to join as a follower will get a counter meal at the North Star Hotel with that guy in the ad from Clare Valley Toyota.  That idea's got success written all over it.

If you were Miss Universe what would you hope to achieve?
World peace. I would also encourage extra thoughtfulness and kindness towards poor children, cripples and old people.

Isn't that a bit patronising?
Oh I'm the most patronising person you'll ever meet.  I fly the Australian flag from my car aerial, I've got Ken Done quilt covers and my dog exclusively wears Jenny Kee knitwear.

So you encourage kindess to the handicapped and elderly?
Absolutely.  They are such a drain on the economy.  If we're kind to them they will feel guilty and won't  ask for the right to the same standard of living shared by everyone else.

What do you stand politically?
I believe Prime Minister Hanson is the best thing to happen to Australian politics.

Julia Gillard is Prime Minister.
Oh.  I get them mixed up. Must be the red hair and dialect.

Where do you see yourself in five years.
Hopefully we will have evicted Angelina by then so that I can take my rightful position by the side of Brad, George and David.

David?
Yes, David Thorne He's a skinny, chain-smoking, unemployed blogger.
I am having an affair with him.  Actually I'm having an affair with his brain.  My synapses do high-fives when I read his work.  If we ever corresponded ..... well, lets just say the millenium fireworks on Sydney Harbor would fade into insignificance.  David doesn't know this yet.

What about Humphrey?
Who?

Your husband, Humphrey?
Oh, yes, we've discussed this at length and agree that I can keep him, as a pet.

And your children?
Who?

Your children?
Ohhhh. I was vaguely aware of some small people living in the house.....where are they?  They might need feeding....and brushing.

If your life was a theme song what would it be?
Watership Down, performed by chipmunks.

Any projects in the pipeline?
Well, when George and I are no longer tackling the misappropriation of aid in third-world countries, sitting on the War Crimes Tribunal in The Hague and coordinating multi-national cooperative research into locust control, I think I'll take over from where Princess Diana left off with the land-mine thing.

I think Prince Harry is already doing that?
Yes, but the cause needs some real celebrity and substance behind it so I'm willing to step up to the plate.

You seem to be involved with so much on top of your glittering literary career....
I'm aiming to become the first person to win and Nobel Peace Prize and a Pulitzer in the same year.  It's important to have goals.

Where are you going after this interview?
I'm going to Hostage Negotiation Training and then Zumba classes.

*This interview was available on YouTube, but was deemed to be discriminatory and in contravention of child protection laws.  It has since been blocked by administrators.  Of course you'd expect that from a bunch of one-armed lesbians.