This guide is dedicated to all the men out there who went to the same Swiss finishing school as my husband.
Secret Women's Business: From the Inside.
Remember that book, the Secret? The one where some Shaz from the Gold Coast decided to put a DaVinci Code spin on positive thinking and made gazillions and is now living with a harem of gorgeous Norsemen on her private island in the Caribbean? Yeah, well my secret is better. I'm giving you relationship bliss on a platter and sex on tap. Like Humphrey says "Happy Wife, Happy Life".
No, no, don't throw money at me yet.....I'll give you the bank details of a special charity (Help-Charlotte-Buy-A-Caribbean-Island-and-a-Harem-of-Norsemen) later.
You blokes are so Goddamn lucky to have me - I tell Humphrey that all the time, right after I tell him how much he loves me.
Lesson One ..... Learn to Lie
And no, I don't mean telling wifey or girlfriend you're going to the hardware store when you're really going off to shag your slutty little secretary in the back of her Mini. That's called Being A Bastard . White lies on the other hand are perfectly acceptable. Let me give you some scenarios:
You are getting ready to go out. Wifey has spent hours squeezing herself into a dress she adores, but it makes her butt look like it's big enough to generate it's own weather systems.
Wifey: Does my bum look big in this?
Truthful You: Yes.
Result: Divorce, or if she's feeling charitable, no sex for six months whilst she starves herself into a hairy waif.
There is, however a Good Hubby alternative (provided wifey isn't going to completely embarrass herself by wearing said dress).
Wifey: Does my bum look big in this?
Liar you: Don't be ridiculous. Anyhow it doesn't matter what size your bum is, you're a sex goddess and I want to take you. Right here. Right now!
Result: It is highly likely that Wifey won't mind messing her coif as she
Scenario Two
Wifey: "What do you think of my artichoke and black truffle soup, served with a layered brioche with mushrooms and truffle butter?"
Truthful You: "It's um...not bad."
Result: Back to the Gulag for you Dufus! Your culinary repertoire will now extend no further than the baked beans on toast you will be served for the rest of your life (or worse, you will be told to cook for yourself).
Good Hubby Alternative:
Wifey: "What do you think of my Dish-I've-Slaved-Over-For-Three-Weeks-and-Killed-Orphaned-Ukrainian-Truffle-Hunters-For"?
Liar You: "My God! You MADE this? It's incredible. My tastebuds have died and gone to heaven. C'm here you sexy love goddess master chef and let me show you just how much I appreciate your culinary skills."
Result: Possible multiple orgasms and no baked beans.
Who knows how many world wars and natural disasters could have been averted if men understood the "white lie concept". When it gets down to the tin tacks we just want you to think we are your personal Goddess and you are rendered powerless in the presence of our resplendent beauty. And your credit card.
Lesson Two - Buy Gifts.
There is no need to go overboard, but there are a few essential events that warrant a gift to your beloved.... they be: Valentines Day, Her Birthday, Your Wedding Anniversary, First Kiss Anniversary, First Date Anniversary, First Make Up After Fight Anniversary, First Time You Ate Popcorn In Front of The Tele Together Anniversary, First Copulation Anniversary and especially important is the First Time We Bought A Dog Together Anniversary .
Don't go buying flowers unexpectedly though. She'll think they're Guilt Flowers because you've been shagging your slutty secretary.
Lesson Three - Bigger is Better.
With diamonds. Jewels are a very good measure of what you really think of your loved one.
According to the internationally recognised Antwerpian Scale it goes like this:
Small = you're not worth much, but you're an ok shag (or, "I'm a tightwad").
Big = you are the Love of My Life and I will sell my soul to the Devil in order to give you the Hope Diamond's big sister.
Don't even think about buying jewellery with "faux", "created" or "lab" in its name. Any diamond less than a carat ought to be sniffed at. If it's big and expensive enough to cause you physical pain, that's good enough for us. (I often have to remind Humphrey that the pain is really exquisite, because I'm worth it). Make sure you show one of Wifey's girlfriends before you pay for said (insert annual house payment here) enormous jewels because swirls and filigree are not on the shopping list. Even more romantic would be if you went to a Columbian emerald mine and personally whipped a malnourished Indian into finding a fist-sized boulder for your beloved's finger. I've heard you can also do this in Africa, with diamonds.
Lesson Four - The Etiquette of Flatulence.
Dutch ovens are not funny. Farting is perhaps the most unsexy thing a man can do, followed closely by beer burps and not putting toenail clippings in the bin.
Just don't do it.
Lesson Five - Shopping
Shopping makes Wifey Happy.
Never complain about credit card bills. This makes Wifey Sad.
If Wifey suggests going shopping, you don't say in a whiney voice:
"Groan. We can't afford it and I was going to meet my mates down at the pub today."
You DO say; "Great. Here's my credit card. Go to town. Take you time. I'll have bathed and fed the kids by the time you get home so we can go out to dinner."
Result: See above. No Emotional Siberia for you Sonny!
Lesson Six - Jobs about the Home.
Wifey: "Have you fixed the dripping tap in the bathroom I've been telling you about for the last six months?"
You: "Stop nagging."
Result: "What do you mean nagging? I'LL FUCKEN' GIVE YOU NAG, YOU PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TWIRP! I'VE BEEN ASKING YOU TO DO THAT ONE TINY JOB FOR MONTHS AND YOU CAN'T EVEN DO THAT? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'M FED UP WITH THIS. IT'S JUST LIKE THAT TIME BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED AND YOU ....(INSERT CRIME HERE). DON'T THINK YOU'RE COMING NEAR ME TONIGHT. BASTARD!"
Alternative:
"Sure baby, I'll do it right now as soon as I've finished repainting the kitchen.. To make you happy. The only reason I haven't done it before was because I was working on gene splicing rice so it can grow without water in the Sahara to feed the starving masses in Africa."
Result: "I love you, MacGyver."
You're welcome.
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