Wrinkle Cream, Whistle-Blowers and The Global Conspiracy

(Written from a cellar somewhere beneath Mexico City)



Estee Lauder, clad in a black leather catsuit with artillery accessories, is stalking me.

It all began when, armed with a half-used tub of face cream, I approached the cosmetics counter at the local chemist.

Me: I'd like a refund please.

Audrey (the single neuroned checkout girl): What was your problem with the cream?

Me : It doesn't work.
   
Audrey: You feel that your skin isn't hydrated or ....?

Me: It. Doesn't. Work.

Audrey:  How hasn't it worked for you?

Me:    I don't look anything like Halle Berry.  

Audrey:  This cream won't make you look like Halle Berry.

Me:   Look at the poster there......Halle Berry....and this cream!  It's false advertising. It's misleading in the extreme.

Audrey: You're not black.

Me: Are you insulting me?

Audrey: I'm just saying, Halle Berry is black and you're not.  You're not even tall.

Me: What? So this cream is meant to make me tall as well?

Audrey: I don't think so.

Me: Oh, so not only are you racist you're heightist too are you?? This is UNBELIEVABLE.  So this cream should, theoretically, have turned me from a albino dwarf into a tall black goddess.  FAILURE on all counts Au-dray.

Audrey: I'll just get the manager.

Me: Damn right you will young lady. You'd better get the franchise CEO too sweetheart 'cause heads are going to topple here.

Chemist man who looks like a dentist: What can I do for you madam, a problem with your face cream?

Me: Err YEAH! (pointing to picture of Halle Berry holding face cream)  Do you see any rememblance here?

Chemist man who looks like a dentist: "Umm. No, but......"

Me: Let's just be clear on one thing here...do the words "CLASS ACTION" have any resonance with you?

Chemist man who looks like a dentist: *?*

Audrey: Perhaps you'd like to try this cream.....it's a great seller?

Me: That one with Heidi Klum? Do you think I'm stupid or something?

Chemist dentist and Audrey:  *pretend to tidy shelves*

Me: I'm sorry, but a simple refund just won't cut it any more. I'm sure you understand the negative ramifications for cosmetic companies and corner chemists like you on a GLOBAL scale. I could blow this scam WIDE open.  However...perhaps we could come to some kind of arrangement?

Chemist dentist: Arrangement?

Me:: I'm a reasonable individual Mr Chemden........seven hundred thou.....and I'll go away.

Chemden: Audrey call security.

The police weren't very polite either. I mean, here I was, handing them a global crime syndicate on a platter - which is more or less like me giving them extra stripes on their jackets and  fancy titles like Detective Senior Chief Constable Inspector Intendent - and they were RUDE to me.
(I didn't bite the security man that hard....big pansy).

Then I realised.
They were all in on it!
How could have I been so stupid??

I called Humphrey from the stop-over in Hong Kong.

Humphrey: You're WHAT?

Me: If anyone in black clothes, reflector aviators and a black Hummer comes to the door YOU DON"T KNOW ME. Ok?

Humphrey: You're kidding right?

Me: I'm serious Humphrey, pack the children up and RUN.

Humphrey: Have you been taking your medication?

Me: I've gotta go.  They've probably bugged your phone.

And that's how I came to be hiding beneath a laundromat in Mexico City.